“I lied and said I was busy. I was busy; but not in a way most people understand. I was taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy telling myself I am okay. Sometimes this is my busy, and I will not apologize for it.” -Anxiety Doesn’t Knock First
Yesterday started out as any typical Saturday, and then my un-welcomed friend ANXIETY reared his ugly head. Many don’t know,but I have struggled a LOT with anxiety in my life. I was the girl who hated going to the Dentist so I would come up with ANY excuse not to go. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just that the unknowns were to much to handle. Anxiety hit especially hard AFTER I had my babies.
At one point it got SO bad I refused to leave the house. I would make plans with friends, then have irrational freak outs about where to park, what would I say, etc. So I would then bail. I am not proud of it, not even a little bit but at that time in my life anxiety won every single battle.
I then found that exercise, a healthier diet (I still drink my daily Diet Coke and enjoy Taco Tuesday), and reading personal development helped me cope with anxiety. I have been able to control way better than before.
But I still have my days, and my quirks. For example, I still don’t dare to venture out to the grocery store alone with my son. What if he has a melt down, what if my card was accidentally declined, the list goes on and on. But we pick our battles.
Yesterday was a day where Anxiety started to fight. We had planned a fun little trip to the Mississippi River only 20 minutes from our house, where the kids could play on the beach and build sandcastles.
Sounds harmless, right?
Well for someone with anxiety, it’s not that simple. Sometimes the littlest things just aren’t so little. We turn little tiny molehills in to MAJOR mountains. We don’t mean to, but that’s what happens.
My brain started running a million miles an hour. What do I wear? What’s the beach like? What do I need to pack for the kids? It all started to be too much.
I was on the verge of tears, I thought my heart might beat right through my chest, I felt a tingle all over my body, I had to hold back the urge to runaway. Fight or flight is VERY real with me. I started snapping at my husband (again fight or flight) because then maybe the fight would lead to us not going (even though I wanted to).
I locked myself in the closet, took some major deep breaths, and started sifting through my feelings. Figuring out what I could let go of, what sounded irrational, and what I could do to mend what I had done and make this a spectacular day for my family
Eventually I was able to pull myself together and get ready. We ended up having a fabulous day filled with MANY memories!
Yesterday I’m proud to say, Anxiety did NOT win. Even thought she tried with everything that she had.
I don’t believe Anxiety is completely curable, I think it something that I will always have to deal with. But that shouldn’t stop me or you from living an incredible life. A life filled with achieving BIG hopes and dreams.
There are so many tools out there to help manage anxiety, so if you struggle please promise me that you will find what works for YOU! And if you need someone to talk to, know that I am here! I am a friend who understand, who will listen, and will love you for who you are.
“Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear.” – Healthy Place
The above statement may be true, but trust me when I say YOU can overcome! You are a FIGHTER! You are NOT a prisoner to this! You can and you WILL win!
But first you have to be willing to try!
Need someone to talk to? You can find me here > Makala Clark